my birthday is a week away. this is probably the least excited i've been about a birthday in awhile. maybe it's because i don't really have any plans for it. yet.
i am reflecting a lot because of it... the last 5 years... time is flying. how much i bought into ideas and a life that now i'm rejecting. i thought that if i was one of those artists who was smart about the business, i'd be closer to succeeding... maybe i've been closer but i still haven't been able to support myself off it. i'd like to be able to wake up in the morning and do music... not email, not business, not one of the random part time jobs that have flitted through my life.
but 7 years of pouring time into the business hasn't done it. sure, maybe i understand a lot more about what's going on than i did 7 years ago... that can be illustrated in my business-depression i suppose. where i used to really enjoy that stuff (some sick fantasy i always had about owning a record label)... now i'm just sick of working so hard for so little difference. so i'm on strike. just getting up every morning and thinking about music. i'm being a bit of a hermit too. as much as i get lonely, i also get peopled-out very quick. my ideal days right now are the ones that i get up and start working on music first thing in the morning. taking more walks. trying to think again.
i went through this period during the year or two after high school that was ultra dramatic and quite depressed... but i got a lot of writing done. people kept joking that my music made them want to slit their wrists and pour a hot bath. well i think over time those jokes somehow affected my brain and, combined with the fact that i do enjoy more uptempo music sometimes, i started writing more uptempo things. now i'm finding myself turning down, turning in again. i didn't know this would happen, but i think that the stuff i'm working on now is taking some of the better parts of my past and mixing them with what surrounds me now. stuff i've learned, stuff i'm listening to, stuff i'm feeling.
rejection.
i'm listening to Rage Against The Machine lately in the car.
i am reflecting a lot because of it... the last 5 years... time is flying. how much i bought into ideas and a life that now i'm rejecting. i thought that if i was one of those artists who was smart about the business, i'd be closer to succeeding... maybe i've been closer but i still haven't been able to support myself off it. i'd like to be able to wake up in the morning and do music... not email, not business, not one of the random part time jobs that have flitted through my life.
but 7 years of pouring time into the business hasn't done it. sure, maybe i understand a lot more about what's going on than i did 7 years ago... that can be illustrated in my business-depression i suppose. where i used to really enjoy that stuff (some sick fantasy i always had about owning a record label)... now i'm just sick of working so hard for so little difference. so i'm on strike. just getting up every morning and thinking about music. i'm being a bit of a hermit too. as much as i get lonely, i also get peopled-out very quick. my ideal days right now are the ones that i get up and start working on music first thing in the morning. taking more walks. trying to think again.
i went through this period during the year or two after high school that was ultra dramatic and quite depressed... but i got a lot of writing done. people kept joking that my music made them want to slit their wrists and pour a hot bath. well i think over time those jokes somehow affected my brain and, combined with the fact that i do enjoy more uptempo music sometimes, i started writing more uptempo things. now i'm finding myself turning down, turning in again. i didn't know this would happen, but i think that the stuff i'm working on now is taking some of the better parts of my past and mixing them with what surrounds me now. stuff i've learned, stuff i'm listening to, stuff i'm feeling.
rejection.
i'm listening to Rage Against The Machine lately in the car.
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